Thursday, May 27, 2004
More dog humor
This is from http://hometown.aol.com/stardancin/Dogjokes.html
How to photograph a new puppy...
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put magazines back on coffee table.
12. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
13. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
14. Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, No No! Outside! OUTSIDE!
15. Call spouse to clean up mess.
16. Sit back in Lazy Boy with a drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
How to prepare for a new puppy
*Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
*Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.
*Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, lets go!"
*Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
*Play "catch" with a slimy wet tennis ball.
*Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
*Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
*Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)
*Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.
*Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
*Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway.
*Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.
Dog Rules from http://www.weipowa.com/funny.html
1) Newspapers: If you have to go pee while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed on the driveway every morning just for that purpose.
2) Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly, & leap playfully on this person. If your human falls down on the floor & starts crying, lick his/her face & growl gently to show your concern.
3) Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans always prefer clean tongues.
4) Barking: Because we are dogs, we are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for humans than to keep waking up in the middle of the night & hearing their protective dog barking and barking and . . .
5) Holes: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard & upsetting your humans, dig a lot of small holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
6) Doors: The area immediately in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep on. Wag your tail so it makes tolerant, thumping sounds on the floor every time you are stepped on.
7) Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
8) Dining: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up food when it starts to accumulate on the floor. This is also a good time to practice your sniffing.
9) Housebreaking: This is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
10) Walks: When out for a walk with you master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Always pick the nosy neighbor's yard.
11) Couches: It is permissible to sleep on the new couch after your humans have gone to bed.
12) C*ts: When chasing c*ts, never c*tch them. It spoils all the fun.
How to photograph a new puppy...
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put magazines back on coffee table.
12. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
13. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
14. Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, No No! Outside! OUTSIDE!
15. Call spouse to clean up mess.
16. Sit back in Lazy Boy with a drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
How to prepare for a new puppy
*Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
*Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.
*Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, lets go!"
*Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
*Play "catch" with a slimy wet tennis ball.
*Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
*Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
*Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)
*Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.
*Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
*Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway.
*Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.
Dog Rules from http://www.weipowa.com/funny.html
1) Newspapers: If you have to go pee while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed on the driveway every morning just for that purpose.
2) Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly, & leap playfully on this person. If your human falls down on the floor & starts crying, lick his/her face & growl gently to show your concern.
3) Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans always prefer clean tongues.
4) Barking: Because we are dogs, we are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for humans than to keep waking up in the middle of the night & hearing their protective dog barking and barking and . . .
5) Holes: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard & upsetting your humans, dig a lot of small holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
6) Doors: The area immediately in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep on. Wag your tail so it makes tolerant, thumping sounds on the floor every time you are stepped on.
7) Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
8) Dining: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up food when it starts to accumulate on the floor. This is also a good time to practice your sniffing.
9) Housebreaking: This is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
10) Walks: When out for a walk with you master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Always pick the nosy neighbor's yard.
11) Couches: It is permissible to sleep on the new couch after your humans have gone to bed.
12) C*ts: When chasing c*ts, never c*tch them. It spoils all the fun.
